This week I have been doing hot yoga and going on walks and eating tons of oranges.
I used to crave pancakes sometimes, then realized that a desire for pancakes was my warning sign for depression. It reminded me of the Sabrina, the Teenage Witch episode where she gets addicted to pancakes. I love Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. I would watch it on the big TV as background noise while I did my SQL queries and wrote emails. I don’t really crave pancakes when depressed anymore; working at the diner and constantly smelling pancakes seems to have rewired that part of my brain. The thing is, I don’t like pancakes, which is why the craving was such an alarm bell for me. It becomes symbolic; stuffing yourself full of flour, sugar, butter, and oil and not enjoying it as walking through life feeling like you don’t deserve it. I like waffles though, with whipped creme and strawberries. Those are not a depression food for me, they remind me of being a child.
When I feel discombobulated (maybe because of some vague emotions or an intense day that still must be processed, perhaps after a migraine or right before a cold) I need soup. I would always get pho delivered when I was hungover, but it is not as good when delivered. You need the hot broth and the raw beef to get the best health benefits from pho. I like to cook a spicy chicken and rice soup (I just don’t enjoy chicken noodle, rice is the superior soup grain). Women are damp and cold (yang) so we need soup — according to TCM we are not meant to eat anything cold. Ice water is poisonous to the womb. Once dampness collects, it is like the mold of the body and very hard to get rid of.
When I am sad in a practical way (i.e. job woes, getting paragraph long texts from people) I need to bake. In Marion Woodman’s Addiction to Perfection, she has a picture of two spirals. When the spiral goes inward toward the unconscious, it causes depression. When we turn our spiral outward, toward consciousness, we are able to use it to create, to express ourselves. In expressing ourselves creatively, we recognize, acknowledge, and release the feelings that would otherwise poison our mind. The eponymous Perfection in the book serves as a way to take ourselves out of our lives because we cannot perform it. We opt out in order to save ourselves from mediocrity. But mediocrity is the cornerstone of life, we are made of our averages. Every day is all there is. I tell myself that this is why I bake random things without recipes or even careful consideration, which often yields bread or cookies that are edible but not totally correct. I am capable of making things successfully, but sometimes I just need to fuck around and be laissez-faire.
Happiness (not celebration, but in a peaceful and content way) calls for a savory and simple dinner eaten with someone you love, like broiled salmon with boiled new potatoes and an arugula salad with balsamic dressing. Squeeze lemon over the salmon and dip the potatoes in dijon mustard to pretend you are in Provence. Or sear a steak in a ripping hot cast iron skillet, 4 minutes on each side, and serve with a microwaved sweet potato (slice open and smush with salt) and butter lettuce salad with radish, cucumber, shaved pecorino, and vinaigrette.
Vinaigrette
Grab a small jar (I run empty jam and mustard jars through the dishwasher to use for things like this) and fill it 1 inch with vinegar (red wine, champagne, balsamic, or lemon juice). Add a pinch of salt and stir with a fork until it dissolves.
Pour in the same amount of olive oil. You can tell when it is even by looking at the separation, which is why I use a clear jar. I like a 1:1 ratio, but use more oil if you prefer a more traditional vinaigrette.
Add in 2 tsp of dijon mustard per 1 inch of vinegar. Grind in fresh pepper. Put the lid on the jar and shake vigorously until completely emulsified.
The body keeps the score. Or, your subconscious keeps the score, so it eventually comes up again. I love healing frequencies, and drinking tea in the dark, and other “‘deep healing”” strategies. I want those HEALING SUPPLEMENTS that you read about on esoteric health forums, I want lactoferrin powder and lithospheric glutathione, B vitamin injections, and Sun Powder’s Tocos for Vitamin E. I do my sun salutations in the mornings, I dry brush towards my heart before my shower, and I put my feet on the wall for twenty minutes in the evening. Sometimes my shoulders creep up to my ears and my neck pitches forward and I get a slight anterior pelvic tilt, all of this leading to my body feeling unwieldy, another stress warning sign like when I crave pancakes. Dancing is supposed to help, to create joy and move fascia. Long walks help too, especially when you have to gear up for snow. Last time I moved it was summer and I had the flu, so I left my Uggs behind, because I thought I had outgrown them. But Uggs are the cutest snow gear. I like to wear them in cropped tan with a black unitard and thick white socks that bunch above the Uggs. Don’t fight your body, it is sacred ground.
Like the health data on eggs, the info about processing of emotions changes every few years. Recent studies now show that letting out emotions like fury, anger, rage, and annoyance do not help, and being able to process them internally is healthy. Don’t say that, go to the sauna instead, make a white pizza out of foccacia dough, zucchini blossoms, and ricotta cheese. Go hit tennis balls against the backboard. Be quiet, return to your own inner peace. Focus on your drawing, get your hands messy with charcoal, write a letter to your pen pal or your parents.
For CELEBRATION, you need to gather all the people you know into a very small room, and eat and drink copious amounts. I love Champagne, my second favorite sparkling wine is Lambrusco, anything in a fancy glass feels very celebratory (I don’t like sweet cocktails). I think the essence of gourmet is not “having” to do something. When you have to make coffee every morning, it isn’t special, it’s a routine. Eating rich meals, drinking wine, having desserts, these all should be done with an air of carelessness; no thoughts of excess calories or hangovers, but a kind of luxurious slowness. The essence of Gourmandise is celebration; its not a weeknight sheet pan dinner. This is the backbone of hosting — it must be done with an affected ease that still betrays the complexity of the event. Light candles, line the table with lace and roses.
Some beautiful ideas I’m stealing from books / my friends:
Use butcher paper as a table cloth and have people write or draw on it. Keep the wine flowing.
Once your flowers are starting to wilt, cut them down to the smallest stem and float them in a small bowl of water. They make excellent centerpieces because the don’t block you from the people across the table from you.
Put your food on trays, each item on its own plate and little bowl. Arrange it beautifully. You eat with your eyes first.
I’m read a Danielle Steel novel. I don’t know what I expected, but despite going in with a mind more open than usual, I am still shocked. Her characters say “damn” every other word and once you notice it (about 2 chapters in), its difficult not to throw the book across the room. I guess she knew what women wanted, but it’s just too ridiculous to take seriously. I am currently reading Elsa Morante’s Lies and Sorcery, a book that feels like it was written specifically for me, with its combination of fairy tales and fallen women, ghosts that feel Victorian, and the tragedy of love and what happens after losing yourself in it.
There are snowdrops blooming already; the crocuses have started to bud.